Joke Thread

Forum rules still apply here.

Knock Knock.

Who's there?

Albert.

Albert Who?

Albert you didn't know it was me

I am crap at this

A man really needed a vacation, so he went to a tropical island resort. When he got there and checked in, he started hearing this magnificent tropical drum solo being played.
"Nice drums." He said to the manager, who smiled back at him. Late at night, when he was trying to get to sleep, the drums were still playing, and helped him get to sleep.

The next morning he awoke to the sound of the drums still playing. After a couple of days, the drums were still playing, and they were beginning to get annoying, so he went to the manager.

"Those drums are getting annoying, do they ever stop?" He asked the manager.
"Oh no. No, no, no. Drum solo must never stop." The manager replied.
"Oh, really? Why not?" The man asked, very curious.
"Because... When Drum solo stops, Bass solo starts.

HA. Cracks me up everytime this one

Good one

Why is a blind construction worker the best type of worker?
Because he doesn't realize people are looking at him!


Not sure if you'd understand that one lol, if not just say so and I'll explain it

3 strings were walking down the street, they decide they want to go into a bar and get a drink...
The first one walks into the bar, and the bartender says: sorry we don't serve string here.
The string walks back out and tells the other two that he doesn't serve string, so the second one walks in, once again the bartender refuses to serve him. He goes back out and tells the other two. The third one, ties himself inside out, ties into loops and knots and walks into the bar. The bartender says: Are you with the other strings? No sir, I'm a frayed knot.

Okay we can alternate between you two.

That which does not kill me, had better run pretty damn fast.

Anyway, which one do you pick? Left, Down or across the minefield?

X
You kinda double-posted

So, according to that Fury guy, I should be a Jokemaker on this thread. So without further ado, I present to thee...

TOP 5 BITS OF GARBAGE BY CYBERFRAGGER P. CYBERFRAGGERIUS.

#5:


I came over to my blonde friend the other day and said, "Hey look a dead bird."
She looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"


#4:


Michael says, "I have a question for you, Johnny. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said Johnny, "Uh... I guess the one sucking the cone?"

"No," said Michael, "The one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."


#3:

Michael's dating advice.
1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.


#2:

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center.

Michael, the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance;
I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was flowing, as Michael withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on
this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for
six generations"

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. . ."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth,
light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the
swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and
fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SH*T!" said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.


#1:


When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.
The Russians used a pencil.


MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. CYBERFRAGGER P. CYBERFRAGGERIUS, OUT.

The other day, my brother was telling me about how he was out riding the other day and he had an accident, you see, his horse ran into a tree! Anyway, I asked him if everything was alright, and he said it was all fine, he just had to take it to the vet.

I asked if the horse was alright then, so he answers, "Yeah, the horse's condition is stable."

Two more jokes, but they're not exactly "clean", if you know what I mean. Don't worry, I shall censor them, but if you want I shall remove them.

Two dyslexic men went to rob a bank. They kicked down the door and stormed in holding guns. Scanning the room with the guns, they shouted. "Put your hands in the air, mother-stickers, this is a f**k up!"

A man went onto Australia's Got Talent, claiming he could sing out of his ass. He went onto stage, walked up to the judge's desk, dropped his pants and started taking a s**t. "What the hell are you doing?!" One of the judge shouts, and the man replies; "I'm just clearing my throat."

be a little more careful these are bordering not horrible

Don't worry, I don't have many jokes like those anyway

I'm not worried about you as much as I am CyberFragger.

Ahaha, yeah. All these posts and no joke in them yet? Give me a second... Cyber's singing voice... HAHAHHA, so funny!

My singing voice is like a gift from the gods. I have no clue what your on about.

HERE'S ANOTHER JOKE.

Dave the couch potato was sitting on the couch, when he felt hungry, so he ate himself.
HAHA! MY BEST YET! SERIOUSLY, WHERE'S MY GOLD MEDAL!?

Unnecessary double-post.

But, seriously. Gold medal. I expect it by Friday.

a Bhaalspawn, a troll and a dark knight all went to the same tavern one night,

the next morning the bar was full of dead bodies including the Dark knight's.

Who killed him the troll or the Bhaalspawn?



Neither, it was the barkeep's son with a broken rusty knife.



Not funny I know but oh well I tried.

X wrote:

X wrote:

That which does not kill me, had better run pretty damn fast.

Anyway, which one do you pick? Left, Down or across the minefield?

across the minefield

(I am insane)

Hello and welcome to Walmart, get your S**t and get out!

... And have a nice day:)

what sheds its skin a lot and has venom in it's mouth?

a human who has a capsule full of snake venom in his mouth.

Is that one funny?

What do you call a man that likes to fish?
-Rod

What do you call a woman that likes to trap fish?
-Netalia.

How many dead bodies does it take to paint a house?
-38, think about it... if you throw them hard enough...

What's the deal with airline food?

BWAHAHAHAHA, classic *wipes tears from eyes*

?
I don't get it

It's one of those things American's say at stand-up comedy bars, when no other jokes are making people laugh.

Somehow, everyone laughs, despite it having no actual punchline and such. Eh, I guess that's just how TV is

Righty-o

alive without breath, as cold as death, never thirsting, ever drinking, clad in mail, never clinking. What am I?

Two men walk into a bar the third ducks.

The broken sword said to the equally broken hammer "you're a useless tool," the hammer replied "look in a mirror you moron, you're as broken as I am"