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 Nexus: a story about the Elvanri

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Should Fury be able to fly a ship again
Not able.
0%
 0% [ 0 ]
Able.
0%
 0% [ 0 ]
Able but not as good as before.
100%
 100% [ 2 ]
Don't care.
0%
 0% [ 0 ]
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Fury945
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PostSubject: Nexus: a story about the Elvanri   Thu Oct 06, 2011 9:12 am

it's not exactly an Idea more of a story in progess, Just so everyone knows you are allowed to post WIPs up here as well. By the way don't plagerise my work
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Last edited by Fury945 on Wed Nov 02, 2011 7:38 am; edited 2 times in total
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PostSubject: Re: Nexus: a story about the Elvanri   Tue Oct 11, 2011 8:06 am

uh did I mention it would be nice to have some feedback?

sorry if it's boring but I have only just started to restart it.

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PostSubject: Re: Nexus: a story about the Elvanri   Thu Oct 13, 2011 6:57 am

If it's feedback you want, then feedback you'll get!

First off; Grammar. This is really annoying, and makes it incredibly hard to read. You really need to remember to put grammar in, especially full stops and commas. Also, when someone says something, it needs to be a new sentence on a new line. Some words seemed a bit... weird, I guess, like they didn't fit. But there was some nice uses of some words.

Second; Story. The story was... different, kind of. I fully understood they were flash backs, but it was kinda hard to imagine them as flash backs, and some of them seemed a little rushed, while other parts seemed to be expanded too much, kind of like you expanded the parts which should have been shortened, and shortened the parts that should have been expanded. From what I understood of the story going on, it seemed fairly decent.

When you continue it, I really hope that you'll include some kind of monologue or something to expand on the story more, so we know more about what is going on.

So basically, the only thing to really fix is the grammar, and change a few things which just sound a bit odd, and maybe try to make some parts longer. Oh, and maybe see if you can think of some way to really exaggerate that they are flash backs. And I wasn't really sure if at the end there whether the flashbacks had actually stopped or not.

This isn't a review btw, just a lot of information Razz

But I'm still going to finish it like a review; Overall, it was good. I'd say you have a solid base (maybe still needing a few tweaks though) to start on, as it raises questions which you may want to answer soon, or leave longer.

I hope you take my advice well and make this story even greater! Very Happy

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PostSubject: Re: Nexus: a story about the Elvanri   Thu Oct 13, 2011 8:32 am

I knew there'd be a problem with the grammar, I am bad with that plus Word telling you everything you say is wrong when you get it right isn't helpful.

Full stops and commas are punctaution not grammar by the way, grammar is the correct use of words like "I did my work" not "I done my work" (this is the one I always get wrong).

As for the flashbacks they are supposed to be that way there are some sections of the story that have not been told for a reason,
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all will be revealed (eventually).

I will try to fix the punctuation problems you picked up on and perhaps look and see if any of the words I used were truly out of place. farao Cool

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PostSubject: Re: Nexus: a story about the Elvanri   Thu Oct 13, 2011 8:36 am

Ahaha, I just call full stops and commas grammar for some reason, I find it easier to think of them all under grammar Razz

Before you post it, maybe just read through it a couple of times making sure everything sounds right, that's what I'd do. (But you probably did do that anyway)

Some of the words might have just been me not used to reading/hearing them anyway, as I don't really read that much Razz

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PostSubject: Re: Nexus: a story about the Elvanri   Thu Oct 13, 2011 8:42 am

I understand, I told you I was expecting someone to catch up on my punctuation. You should see how many marks I have lost in year 7-now because of punctuation and grammar, I'd probably be stage 15 in english if I had managed to fix them all before handing in my work

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PostSubject: Re: Nexus: a story about the Elvanri   Thu Oct 13, 2011 8:48 am

I can understand that. I see people getting told to check out their punctuation all the time, I guess I've just gotten used to using punctuation.

I'm trying to upload a story I've been writing, but it still doesn't seem to be working. Should I save it in wordpad and try uploading it in that format?

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PostSubject: Re: Nexus: a story about the Elvanri   Thu Oct 13, 2011 8:53 am

GaffaTapeMan wrote:
I can understand that. I see people getting told to check out their punctuation all the time, I guess I've just gotten used to using punctuation.

I'm trying to upload a story I've been writing, but it still doesn't seem to be working. Should I save it in wordpad and try uploading it in that format?


I don't understand why it's not working you said it was 19.2kb right, so it's not too big, attachments are enabled so that isn't the problem.

how about you create the topic you were going to post it in, email the story to me and I'll see if I can upload it?

I can edit any post, just so you know

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PostSubject: Re: Nexus: a story about the Elvanri   Sun Oct 16, 2011 7:33 am

A Small WIP ship from the story





check my photo album for the full size pic



:Post Edit:

Final update my brief moment of inspiration

The Swordship (Finished)


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PostSubject: Re: Nexus: a story about the Elvanri   Tue May 22, 2012 3:36 am

I may upload an update soon. My story is a little further along, I also have a related short story that I may upload.
farao king jocolor Twisted Evil

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